San Diego Memorial letter

Often when someone dies people get together to reminisce about the person. They try to make sense of what mere men can not grasp and try to explain unknowns with empty words. Maybe a time you shared together laughing, maybe something he said or did, maybe just his smile will come to your mind. These thoughts are natural, the memories real but none touch the true essence of the man Michael became and is to me.

The first time Michael and I met we were 17. It was late at night after a show at Denny’s. He said some awful pick up line to me and according to him I gave him the dirtiest look he had ever received and ignored him. He decided not to make any further attempts that night and we went our separate ways. Although this encounter was brief it summed up Michael’s teenage years. He was prideful, arrogant, too easily influenced by peers, and selfish. His pranks may have seemed funny to some but were often done at the expense of someone else. The following is part of an explanation of his teenage years that Michael wrote for our children:

I broke the commands of my parents, school and government and nothing too bad ever happened to me. Except every time I did it I got farther and farther from God. Until Jesus Christ, the Bible and Christianity was a lie, something weak people needed to get through the day. It is the little thoughts, temptations and desires we entertain that lead us away from God and into a life vanity. It is here that everything begins to look empty, gray and open to interpretation. There is no longer a truthful right and wrong set up by God only confusion and uncertainty. This is a horrible place to be and it was where I ended up.

This personal assessment may seem harsh but it was his own and he willingly shared his testimony with anyone who wanted to hear. He regretted almost everything he did from the time he was 15 until he left for his first trip when he was 18.

The second time we met was two years later late at night at Balboa Park. He remembered me but I didn’t recognize him for the prideful teenager I had met before. He had changed.

There was something softer about his presence and I was immediately drawn to his searching heart, honest desire to have substantial relationships and intense nature. I felt at home. When the other boys were concerned with music, image, an easy laugh, endless causes, or political opinions he was putting forth every part of himself in trying to have real relationships with people and to find meaning and purpose in life. I loved him and he loved me. Our bond was immediate and intense and the deepest love I had experienced. Even though we cared for each other almost as soon as we started dating we started fighting. We had different beliefs, different ways of communicating, different morals the list went on and on. Almost everything turned into a deep conversation or debate. After I spent time alone in Europe I decided I wanted to start to go back to church then after being home 2 months I experienced a deeply painful loss and my need for God became even stronger. Michael explained it this way:

I loved Renee and I could see that we were on the verge of breaking up. Part of me said that Renee was no longer the person that I had fallen in love with. The first thing that I had loved about her was that she was searching for meaning as much as I was. But now I felt like she was clinging on to the traditions of her parents and I felt betrayed. I had always seen her as strong, independent and extremely intelligent with the ability to live outside the conformity of society better than anyone I had ever met. But now I wondered if she was just weak and scared. Maybe she needed a life of routine and structure that only organized religion and over-simplified right and wrongs could provide. The thought of her teaching our kids about God from a book written over 2000 years ago because she wasn’t confident enough to find him herself made me sick.

But a smaller part of me knew that our love was more real then anything I had ever experienced and it was based on our mutual search for meaning and truth. The only reason Renee would wager our love for Christianity was because it was the way to God. The thought of Satan, Hell, God in a man’s body and a flood that filled the whole earth was completely impossible in my mind but I decided to go to church with Renee to see if I could tolerate it. After all it was only an hour a week.

But of course Michael could not leave it at just once a week. After a month of exhausting fighting he broke up with me. We were both devastated.

I broke up with her and told everyone that she had been brainwashed by a Christian cult. Being exposed to a cult myself was the only way I could explain the power Christianity still had on my brain. I constantly wondered if I had traded a relationship with God for my own will.

I had loved Renee more than I ever thought I could love someone and loosing her was so painful that it crushed me. Unfortunately the Christian cult story worked on everyone but me. I knew that if she were really being brainwashed I would be devoting my life to trying to save her.

I tried to distract myself from reality by hanging out with my friends but it wasn’t the same. The relationship that I had had with Renee held so much substance that smoking pot on a street corner with five guys talking about nothing didn’t have the same effect on me. It lacked what I needed and when I stopped hanging out with my friends they told me that I had changed, it was ironic.

We didn’t talk for 6 months, during that time Michael became a CNA, traveled and tried desperately to make sense of our relationship and his relationship with God. On a trip to Mexico he had an experience that opened his heart to me again and softened his heart toward God.

I bought ten soccer balls and a lot of pots and pans. I loaded them into my mini van and decided to drive throughout Mexico handing them out to poor communities. I only lasted two nights in Mexico. The first day I drove until I was exhausted because I was too afraid to fall asleep. It was a different world with checkpoints in the middle of the desert and children ten years old bagging my groceries. My mind became filled with all of the stories I had heard of cars being stolen from Americans by the police and bandits. I was afraid to pull over in the middle of the desert to sleep until I saw a large mound of dirt. I parked behind it and walked to the road to make sure that my car couldn’t be seen. It was completely hidden so I laid in the back of my van thinking about Renee. I started to wonder if I should become a Christian and try to get back together with her. That night I realized that my biggest problem with Christianity was giving up options. Sitting in my van my options were endless but it wasn’t making me happy. Ever since I had broken up with Renee I had felt lost and that night I sincerely considered trading countless options for disciplined Christian values.

My thoughts were interrupted by headlights shinning on the ceiling of my van. I quickly sat up and watched as a car drove off of the road and into the desert. That night three more cars drove past me on the dirt road and I became afraid that one of them would inspect my van. I couldn’t fall asleep because I couldn’t get the vision of a strangers face looking into my window so I began to pray. It was just as sincere as France only this time I used the name Jesus. I prayed for protection and asked him for direction. I begged him to give me a sign if he was real because if he was I wanted to become a Christian and marry Renee.

Early the next morning I saw a sign that said orphanage, we need your help. So I drove four miles on a dirt road before I saw a light blue building surrounded by old tires. They gladly accepted my gifts and I decided to head back home confident that I had contributed to making the world a better place. As I was walking toward my van something unexpected happened. I heard worship music being played inside. When I went in I was surprised to find out that a church had come down from Idaho to feed the poor in the community near by. They invited me to go along and I gladly accepted. Surprisingly after we made food bags we spent the rest of the day walking door-to-door evangelizing. All day I watched them pray the sinner’s prayer with people and I couldn’t help but feel like the Lord was giving me the chance to give my life to him. In the evening we put on a party for the town and I had a great time. That night I slept in my van at the orphanage. I didn’t give my life to Jesus yet but I did let him closer.

After 3 months of not talking Michael wrote me a letter but I didn’t respond. Then after 3 more months I hit a very low point and called him here is part of that account:

When she opened the door her light came on and I saw that she was crying. After she told me that she still loved me I asked her about church. She said that one day she would start going again but it wasn’t going to be for a long time. I told her that I loved her too and when she was ready to go to church we had to agree on the one we would go to. As she drove away I didn’t know what to do so I started to pray to God. I told him that I was going to start talking to him and was about to believe in Jesus. I told him that if Christianity was a way to him than that was great. But I begged him to help me if it was a cult written by men. I believed that he could personally affect my life and asked that his will be done over mine no matter what that meant.

Seven months later we were engaged and then married in June. As soon as we were married we started fighting all the time again. We loved each other but our love was selfish. We didn’t have a strong foundation and despite all of our efforts we were becoming what we had always vowed to never become. We constantly pointed fingers at the other person, never accepted our own faults and all of the qualities we loved so much about each other became hidden underneath all of the hurt. A turning point in our marriage happened when I was pregnant with Lydia it was a couple months after Michael had really been seeking the Lord. We were driving to my parent’s house for dinner. All of the fighting felt like it was coming to a head and I remember Michael saying, “I don’t feel appreciated or respected. I don’t think you understand me at all. I don’t feel like you even love me anymore.” I told him I felt the exact same way and we sat quiet for what seemed like forever. The silence was deep and painful. I thought separation between us was inevitable. Then he said, “But do you believe I love God?” I was quiet for a moment then I told him that I knew he loved the Lord and he said, “I know that you love God too, so we will be okay.” He reached for my hand and held it for the rest of the 45 minute drive. From that moment on God began to build our relationship on a foundation based on His love not ours. The following is part of Michael’s story that he wrote for our children about that time in our life.

I didn’t pick up a bible until two years after the night Renee and I got back together in that deserted K-mart parking lot. We had been married for a little less than a year and I was consumed with worry. I distracted myself by focusing on finances and it began to overwhelm me with stress. I knew that I had a problem when Renee and I went to Disneyland for Valentines Day and I couldn’t relax. The whole time I was thinking about work and my family. I decided to read the bible and ask God for help. The first book that I read was Acts and immediately my preconceived notions of Christianity being built by self-righteous men who wanted power failed to make sense. It was from reading about the conversion and ministry of Paul that it became possible in my mind that I might one day believe. I had a sincere respect for Paul’s passion and faith in Jesus Christ. When I thought about what it must have been like for a Jewish man who persecuted Christians to become a follower of Jesus my transformation didn’t seem that drastic.

I still had a lot of problems with the Christian faith after I read Acts including how could a man be God? Why would God allow bad things to happen to good people? If God loved humans why would he send any of them to hell? If the Christian church is the closest that humans could be to God how could it be responsible for wars and other horrific things in history? But something very important about me was different. I began reading the bible with a small part of me believing that it was real. It took me about four months of reading scripture and praying before I realized that all of my problems were with imperfect Christians not the bible or Jesus. After that I asked for Jesus Christ to come into my heart and for the Holy Spirit to be the authority over my life. I began to follow the teachings of the bible and did not stop because the more I prayed, worshiped and read the scriptures the closer I became to God. I no longer had the emptiness in my heart or confusion in my mind. I began to realize that God was and always had been taking care of me. My desire to live with him in heaven for eternity grew the more I fell in love with him and worshiped him above all else and that made me more content and thankful with what he blessed me with here on earth.

I am at a loss to try to write what a heart can only know, to give a glimpse into our life together and to express what could never be understood by anyone other than me. From the point Michael and I both fully committed to our relationship with Jesus our marriage began to be greatly blessed. God took our selfish love for each other and replaced it with his love. The result was more than I could have ever hoped or prayed for, more than I knew was possible.

Our life together in Idaho was simple and beautiful. In the morning at 4:00 our first alarm would go off, then at 4:10, 4:15, and finally 4:30 we would stop snuggling since if we waited any longer he would be late to work again. We would get up and he would take a shower while I made his lunch and coffee. He commuted 45 minutes to Buck Knives while I crept back into bed to sleep until the girls woke up. His job was nothing that he found great purpose or meaning in but it was his desire to provide for me and the girls that kept him there. At 8:30am he would call me on his first break while I ran around getting cereal, changing diapers or doing some other daily task. He would quietly laugh as he listened to me talk to our girls then depending on the day would pray with me before we exchanged our “I love you and miss you” then got off the phone. He would go back into work. On his lunch break he would call again at 11:30am this time was treasured for both of us because usually Adeline would be napping so we would be able to catch up with each other about our day. Then he would call again on his afternoon break at 1:30. Then again he would call me at 4 when it was time for everyone to clock out. He always waited 10 minutes because he refused to stand in line to punch his card. Then at 4:15 he would call me again when he got into his truck. We would talk for about 20 minutes until I said I had to get off the phone to finish getting dinner ready. Every day when he came home it was as if our world got brighter. The girls would yell, “Daddy’s home!” as soon as they saw his truck and run to me and say, “Mommy your Prince is here!” When he walked in he could barely get past the front door as he was covered with kisses and hugs. Lydia would usually start by telling him all of the day’s details and her plans for that evening. Melody would kiss him and hug him then do something to make him laugh. Adeline would hold out her arms saying “Dada!” until he settled to sitting down with her on his lap. I would watch all of this while finishing dinner and then Michael would say “Alright girls I love you and I missed you too just give me one second.” Then he would come to me and kiss me and we would hold each other while the girls watched or pulled on our clothes to get our attention. We ate dinner together, talked about our day more. Then after that we would do any number of things from dancing in the kitchen with the girls, singing songs, walking down to the lake or the store, reading books or making crafts. Then after the girls bath we would put them to bed. Then the rest of the night was ours.

I thought I would include a letter Michael wrote for his english class this past spring semester. It is the last letter he wrote to all of us girls and such a gift to us. After he wrote it he printed out a copy and gave it to me and read it to the girls. I think it reveals so much of his heart.

My Girls,

For extra credit in my English 102 class I was assigned the task of sending a thank you letter to someone that has helped me with my education. My mind thought of old teachers and even my own parents. All of them had a small part to play in my education but none of them have had the slightest amount of influence as you four angels.

Renee, you are my wife and life saving companion. You proof read everything I write and are an encouragement to my education. When I get tunnel vision and start to get too caught up with work and school you always remind me to spend time with our daughters. Our time together is what fills me up in times when I feel like I having nothing left to give. You are the smartest, most beautiful, and talented women I have ever met. Your love for me and our daughters is inspiring and it drives me to want to be a better man. You deserve a better life and that is the number one driving force in my desire for an education.

Lydia, you are my first born daughter. You help out a lot with your sisters and that gives me more time to study. I enjoy your questions and enthusiasm regarding me becoming involved in medicine to help people. Melody, you are adorable and can always make me laugh when I need it the most. You remind me to take life slower and that helps me to not get overwhelmed in the distance I still need to go in my education. Adeline, you are a true fighter and picture of endurance. Your strength is contagious and helps me to work hard. You are possibly the last child your mother and I will have. You are the blessing that overflowed our family in joy, laughter, and resources! Your presence was that last push that your mother and I needed to make me go back to school. Although it is hard right now in the long run it is going to make your mother and I retire a lot better and give me a job I enjoy a lot more. For that I thank you! I love you girls more than life itself and that is what drives me to become a better man and commit to my education.

I love you,

Your husband and dad

Every time Michael came home, each time I watched him play with the girls, every night we went to bed holding each other I thanked God for what a gift I had received. There are so many things Michael did that made him so special. But the best part to me is what happened in the day to day, the time spent behind closed doors with our little family. It is few who really succeed at what some may see as a small task of being married and raising a family; but he did what I have never seen done so well.

I was able to see Michael’s process from being a boy to becoming man, from having ideas to living with purpose, from wanting to change the world to trusting the world to God. All I ask is that in remembering Michael you honor the man he chose to become. For some this may seem hard, it may be easier to cling to some memories and to leave others out. But the true beauty that Michael held was in the development of his character. He never settled, stopped seeking more, or let hard situations dictate his life. He was always willing to question his own motives and only I know how often come before God and pray for forgiveness, help and wisdom. My hope is that in some way his life will challenge others to do what he has always encouraged me to do, to live each day for the moment you will stand before God. He always told me it was never too late for a person to change, for a life to make a difference or for a wrong to be made right. It is that daily passion I miss so much in a world so full of doubt and uncertainty. Thank you for taking the time to listen, I hope I was able to convey a little of who Michael became and why.

To my husband, my Michael,

If you could ask me one last time why I love you I would say: I love that when you blew your nose it sounded like a horn, I love that you never cared if people saw you dancing like a ballerina for the girls. I love that you never sung the words right to songs. I love how you always grabbed for me and kissed me when I walked past you. I love that you never cared about the clothes you wore. I love how you were always so thankful with the little we had because you knew it was really much. I love the way you looked when you held me. I love the way you played with the girls. I love how you always made everything special. I love how you walked everywhere. I love that every time we went to the lake you would always make me watch you as you tried to throw a rock far. I love how you skipped rocks. I love how you played the harmonica. I love how much you loved our little home. I love that you always wanted to stay up late and talk no matter what time you had to get up the next day.

I love your passion and intense desire for what is good. I love the way you searched for truth from your walk with God to how to be a better husband. I love how much you love Lydia, Melody and Adeline. I love how you played with them, protected them, adored them and always put their needs above your own. I will always treasure what a gift it was to see our daughters truly loved by their Daddy.

I love that you had the courage to ask hard questions, questions that reveal truth and character. I love how you were always seeking always searching for more. I love how often you admitted you were wrong because it showed me how much you wanted what is right. I love that you loved sharing your heart with me. I love how much you dreamed and believed in our family.

I love you, every part that makes you different and unique, and every part that makes sense only to me. I always will.

If I could, I would tell you that I knew when I first met you that you were only capable of doing something if you believed in it with your whole heart. Thank you for loving me and the girls with your whole heart, thank you for never holding back. I am so blessed to have had you for my husband. I love you and I miss you.

Renee

With Renee

Thank you to everyone who has offered prayer and support for myself and my daughters during this time. I have noticed that many people have been reading Michael’s writings. I don’t know if you are family members, co-workers, new or old friends or just someone who heard about him, but because of the personal details in Michael’s writings I will no longer be posting his book, With Renee. He started to write the book for our children and grandchildren. The following is part of the intro:

There are a few autobiographies that I would sincerely desire to read and fewer that would leave a lasting impression on my life. I enjoy the Gospels, book of Acts and the whole Bible for that matter because they tell the life stories of God and his people. But two life stories I always wondered about was that of my own parents. Who were they before I was born? You always hear of parents stopping in moments of clarity when they realize they were saying statements to their kids that their own parents had said to them. How had they changed from the child to the adult? I also wondered how my parents acted and how other adults saw them at work and other times when I wasn’t around. I used to ask my parents a lot of questions trying to unveil who they were and how they came to believe and think the way that they did. To this day I have stories that give hints to their past but ultimately I feel their true and complete story will never become clearer than a glimpse to me. I don’t want that to be true for my children. I know that how I raise you will have a lasting impression on not only how you see the world but how you will raise your own children. I desire to tell you why I do the things I do and how I came to learn and believe the things that I taught you.
First off it is impossible to tell my early story apart from God and your mother Renee because they are so much apart of it. The same way it is impossible for me to tell my later story apart from you Lydia and Melody. The other day we were all walking through the graveyard together and your mom started talking about how she would do my funeral. I in turn told her how I would do hers and we both felt like the other person truly knew our hearts and how we would want to be remembered. We both agreed that we would only allow selected speakers to speak. Neither one of us could handle a family acquaintance or friend saying a story that wasn’t true about the life of the person we loved so much. Your mom said she would make everyone walk to a difficult but breathe taking place in nature. There would be no pamphlet or summary written down about my life. Simply a bunch of people in God’s country were she would have someone play Amazing Grace on the bagpipes. She said that she would read something if she could but the funeral would have to be postponed until she felt she had truly captured what she wanted to say.
For your mother I saw a beautiful mood lit room set up for a meal like you would see for a very high end wedding reception. On the walls would be her paintings and pictures. The music playing softly in the background would be piano songs she had written herself or loved to play. I would decorate and coordinate everything with her daughters. It would be a tribute to her and I would make the point that the greatest thing she ever felt she had been able to create and devote her life to was not a painting, picture or musical piece but her children. And that she always felt that her greatest masterpiece was her family. Both of us love you two very much.
This book has two sections. The first is entitled “Loving God with your life.” It holds my personal testimony and I hope one day it will have yours too. The second section is called “Loving God with you mind.” In a world that constantly calls the things of God foolish I have written some teaching that can help us. It can be used as a defense for your faith but most importantly for your own understanding. The word tells us to love God with our hearts as well as our minds. I pray you will love him with everything in you. Believe me he is more than worth it. Jesus Christ was God and he came to earth a long time ago to show us how much he loves us, wants a relationship with us and to lead the way away from all pain and suffering to eternal life in paradise. I will follow him forever and my prayer is that one day we will all be together in heaven with Jesus Christ.

I didn’t know he had written down the details of that day we walked through the cemetery. He wrote so frequently at night while I read, painted or listened to music by him; now every letter, prayer or account of his life that is recorded is a precious gift for myself and our children. I had the privilege of meeting Michael when we were only 18 years old and by the grace of God we were able to grow up together. Everything that made us who we are as a family came from Jesus and is based on His love. A love that can walk you through any hardship and give you hope in any circumstance. Michael was my husband but he was not mine to keep. As God says in Isaiah 55 verse 8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
During this time I will continually put my trust and faith in God’s word and my prayer is that you will too. If you want to know the truth about Michael’s life or faith from his perspective feel free to email me through our website and I will share as much as possible.