Journal Entry from August 8, 2010

It’s August 8th, 2010 around 6 o’clock in the evening. I brought the girls out for a drive with our new dog, Abby. We are just getting close to passing the park a block away from our house.

“Mommy can we pleeease go to the park?” Lydia asks in her sweetest possible voice. Looking at the park I see it filled with people, families, Daddy’s holding their little girls, my stomach turns and I can’t speak. “Mommy I said can we please go to the park?”

“I know, I know Lydia.” I mumble trying to gather my thoughts, trying not to break down. “I will take you to a different park, with less people so we can bring Abby.” God please help me find a place to go. Then I remember the junior high school, its summer so there shouldn’t be anyone there. I drive two more miles down the main highway and turn off. Relieved to see a deserted parking lot I park and remind myself to keep breathing.

“I remember this place.” Lydia says. “We came here with Daddy. Can Abby come with us?”

“Yes she can.” I answered as I work to unbuckle Adeline, help Melody out of her booster and grab the leash.

We walk slowly up the small hill until nothing is before us except the empty field. I am breathing deeper now. The wind blows softly as each of our dresses dance in the wind and in this moment I am comforted. I look down at Melody’s sweet round face and into her bright blue eyes, she says “Let’s run” and so we do. We run across the field, back and forth, dance and sing. Lying on the ground we try to pick out shapes in the clouds. I see a bear, Lydia sees a crocodile, Adeline sees a bird and Melody says “Oooo, I see rain coming.” We laugh and for the first time since Michael died I feel joy.